“Inner critic” is a term that’s been around for a long time, but it’s only recently come into widespread use. It refers to the voice inside your head that judges and criticizes everything you do. This voice can be brutal and unrelenting: it tells you that you’re not good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough and even when you succeed at things, it often just finds new ways to berate you. Thankfully there are ways to silence this cruel inner voice and find peace within yourself.
Don’t fight it, feel it.
Don’t fight it, feel it. When the inner critic rears its ugly head, don’t try to fix or change it—that will only make the voice louder. Focus on experiencing the feelings and emotions that come up in your body when you hear that voice. Instead of trying to push them away, get curious and welcome them into your awareness as they come up. This helps shift the relationship from adversarial (“I need to get rid of these feelings!”) to one of acceptance (“This is what’s happening right now”).
Nurture yourself in response to your pain.
Self-care is a basic human right and essential to our survival. We need it to replenish our energy, replenish our bodies and minds, and to feel grounded in the world.
When you are experiencing pain and self-doubt about your path in life (or anything for that matter) self-care is even more crucial because it can help you find your way back to balance.
There will be times when you need to take a break from working on yourself or to let it go for an extended period of time. When this happens, make sure that you nurture yourself through self-care practices such as meditation, exercise, yoga or going outside for fresh air & sunshine.
Connect to the goodness within you.
One way to counter the inner critic is by focusing on the good things about yourself. This doesn’t mean ignoring all of your flaws and weaknesses, but it can help to focus more attention on your strengths and abilities. Ask yourself: What are my strengths? What do I do well? How can I use those skills in a situation where they might be helpful?
One thing that helps me stay connected with my own goodness is writing down a list of things that are great about me or that I’m grateful for (like taking the time to workout or meditate, for example). Maybe you’ve felt pressure from family or friends to be perfect or good all the time, but when you write down what makes you unique or grateful for, it becomes easier to see past that pressure and focus on what’s true for YOU. Make sure this list has real value for YOU–not just something other people would say about you in order for them to feel good about themselves! You don’t want this list to become another way for someone else’s voice inside your head; instead, create an authentic statement about who YOU really are!
For example: “I’m a good father” might not seem like much at first glance; however when we consider how many people youth are ignored or fatherless…it becomes clear why this particular feature deserves recognition!
Give yourself a break by giving love and acceptance to someone else.
When we feel a sense of self-worth, it’s easier to give others the same respect. This means you can use your inner critic as a motivator to do something nice for someone else. You may want to do something like giving your friend a call or complimenting them on a job well done.
Giving others love and acceptance is about doing things for yourself! It opens the door for that same energy of love given to be felt and also returned to you in unexpected ways. This does not mean that you should ignore your shortcomings (that would be unrealistic), but it does mean that you can be kinder to yourself than your inner critic is.
You can give others the gift of attention, affection, and love by helping them acknowledge what’s going well for them—even if it is being able to smile at someone in the grocery store line or taking five minutes away from work before bedtime so they can spend some time with yourself before drifting off into dreamland.
Talk back to the critical voice with compassion, not criticism.
In order to change your relationship with the critical voice, you’ll need to reframe this part of yourself as a caretaker who has been trying to protect you. This is not the only voice you have and it’s important to remember that. Your inner critic may be trying hard to keep you safe, but it can also hurt you in the process. Instead of attacking this part of yourself or shaming it into silence, try talking back with compassion instead. You might say something like: “I’m so sorry that things have been so hard for us lately; things feel awful for us both.”
It’s important to remember that we are all human, and we ALL suffer from the critical voice inside our heads sometimes. If you find yourself struggling with negative self-talk, try these tips: take a break from your work, acknowledge that you are suffering and that everyone does at times; nurture yourself in response to the pain, connect with your goodness and give yourself an extra dose of love and acceptance by giving love and acceptance to someone else. You deserve it!
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