Like many people, I have struggled with self-development. It’s an important topic for me because self-development has had a significant impact on my life and relationships. Over the years, I’ve been introduced to many different types of self-development, from personal coaching and therapy to men’s work and 12 step programs. I have also spent thousands of dollars on books, products, and programs about how to improve myself and build my future. What I learned from all this is that self-development can be dangerous – but only if you lack a balanced approach!
1. Self-development and mutuality are not the same thing.
- Self-development is a personal journey, whereas mutuality is a social process. While there are many ways to go about it, self-development can include things like meditation, fintess, therapy and introspection; activities that work towards developing ourselves as individuals. Mutuality involves being open to the perspectives of others—a practice that helps build sustainable communities.
- Self-development can be used as an excuse for avoiding dealing with other people. If you’re not ready to meet someone new or you don’t want to deal with your family members this weekend (or ever), saying “But I’m in the middle of some important soul searching!” might make you feel better than admitting that you just don’t want to be around anyone else right now.
- It’s okay if some parts of our lives feel deeply personal and private—but we should never use our own emotions as an excuse for avoiding relationships with other people when they matter most (and they always do).
2. Self-development can discourage solidarity.
The second reason why personal development can be dangerous is because it does not encourage us to cultivate our sense of solidarity with others. Often, when people who are interested in self-development ask: “How do I achieve my personal goals?” The answer they get from their mentors is: “By working hard and making sacrifices.” But if we have a goal that is not aligned with helping someone else (say, becoming rich), then shouldn’t we first ask ourselves: “What benefit will this bring?” The answer is probably none or at best limited.
So here’s the problem – many times when people pursue their own interests at the expense of others’ interests, it leads them down a path where they lose their connection with other human beings and become isolated from themselves and others around them. This isolation can lead to disconnection from your desired reality which can be dangerous because it makes you vulnerable to swlf-deception and manipulating others.
3. Self-development can be driven by self-hatred,
Self-hatred is a complicated thing, and it’s easier to point fingers at others than to look inward. It can be tempting to think that the solution is simply “fixing” yourself—to fix your flaws and become someone who you don’t hate anymore. That might sound like great motivation, but it’s not so simple.
The problem with focusing on self-hatred as an impetus for personal development is that doing so will only result in more self-hatred if it doesn’t work out as planned. If you spend hours upon hours trying to find out why you keep repeating the same patterns in relationship and howto be a better partner, you could end up feeling worse about yourself after all that effort because nothing changed! Or even worse: maybe you did realte better to your partner—and now you’ve lost track of your personal goals or stopped your self-care habits! Now what do you do?
4. Self-development can be self-defeating,
Self-defeating behaviors can range from self-sabotaging and self-destructive to self-hatred, pity, idealization, denial and indulgence. These are the shadow side of personal development: things we don’t want to see in ourselves but have no control over.
The danger is that self-development becomes a way to avoid doing the hard work we really need to do in order not only become more effective but also happier.
Instead of facing our inner demons directly—which seems too scary—we start trying out new tools or reading more books or taking more courses or making new friends or changing our diet or exercise regime because we think these things will help us change for the better.
But if you try a particular tool for improving yourself for long enough, what will happen? You’ll likely get bored with it because it hasn’t produced any real change in your life yet; you’ll feel guilty about spending so much time on this one thing when there are still so many other things left undone; you’ll tell yourself: “I’m going through all this effort for nothing.” Or worse: “What am I doing wrong?”
5. Self-development can be narcissistic
When you are in the midst of self-development and you’re going through a rough time, it’s important to remember that it’s not all about you. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to improve yourself. But there is something potentially dangerous about the way we romanticize our own growth and progress.
We love the idea of personal development because it comes from within ourselves. We are doing this for ourselves—and who doesn’t want to be their own best friend? But when we take our desire for self-improvement too far (as in #4), then personal development can become narcissistic and self-absorbed.
Self hatred drives other people away from us and prevents them from seeing what they have to offer others and the world at large; meanwhile, self-defeating behaviors (like refusing help) make us less likely to grow into who we want to become or accomplish our goals.
6. Self-development can be an addiction to feel good emotions and a fear of feel bad emotions, and therefore result in avoidance of personal reflection, taking responsibility and accountability and action to change destructive behaviors.
It’s important to distinguish between self-development for the purposes of personal growth, and self-development that is based on avoidance of feeling bad emotions.
If you’re doing it for the former, then you’re probably fine. If you’re doing it for the latter, then there’s a good chance that this will lead to problems in your life.
A lot of people think that they need more positive emotions in their lives and avoid negative ones—which means they try to create positive situations at all times and avoid activities that may elicit negative feelings (because those are bad). They also focus on what went wrong when they don’t get what they want or how other people upset them—and spend less time reflecting on themselves. This kind of approach can sometimes become an addiction because it feels good to feel happy!
We need to care for ourselves but not at the expense of others or at the expense of our ability to recognize our weaknesses
Self-development is not the same as self-care. Instead of making sure that you look after yourself, self-development can be driven by a hatred of oneself. This can manifest in different ways:
- A hatred of one’s own body and an obsession with looking after it
- A hatred of one’s own emotions, leading to constant suppression or compartmentalization (not feeling emotions fully)
- A hatred of one’s own mind, leading to constant mental gymnastics and overthinking things (not trusting your own thoughts)
If this article hit home I invite you to allow yourself compassion for yourself and to find a kinder, gentler way. What I’ve come to see is that many of us who are interested in personal development are also interested in helping humanity, which is admirable. However, if we don’t recognize when self-development becomes dangerous for ourselves and others, then we may end up hurting ourselves, those we love, and those we’re trying to help. In the spirit of the Platinum Rule, “Treat yourself as you would treat other people. You cannot give what you do not have“.
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